Have you noticed that the people who most vocally support cannabis legalisation are just pretty dull?

Let’s face it, the most fervent advocacy for legalising dank is located in a demographic of young people that don’t even use alarm clocks.

In the immortal words of the Frank Ocean interlude, “When people become weed-heads they become sluggish, lazy, stupid and unconcerned”. Weed culture promotes an attitude of nonchalance and general happiness which inevitably morphs into depression, paralysis and an inability to really do anything productive. If weed doesn’t sap motivation then why hasn’t the campaign to legalise it succeeded yet? Maybe because its members are too busy living in communes, declaring all private property theft (particularly plants).

Weed can be fun. In general, drugs can be fun. That’s why they continue to exist. However the “420 blaze it dank chronic everyday son” lifestyle is simply unsustainable. Waking up to a joint sends you back to sleep, getting out of bed is dictated by where the Doritos are and you find yourself halfway through third year without even a clear idea of exactly what your course is about. It is impossible to live this way unless you are some kind of Argentinean drug lord, which would be evident in the text.

What would actually happen if weed were legal? It would probably become more expensive, something already seen in states like Colorado where many people prefer to continue buying marijuana illicitly rather than at overpriced dispensaries.

Consider the effect of legalisation on the culture of weed consumption, the very culture which is invoked as support for the legalisation campaign. The culture of dealers competing with each other for the dankest bud “10/10 amnesia phat bags” would be replaced with streamlined millennial advertising. I for one would rather buy my drugs from a scrawny man in an Adidas sweatshirt blaring grime out of a Ford Fiesta, than from an online store called iW33d or something equally shit.

In practice, legalisation would be tantamount to converting stoner culture into vape culture which, I think we can all agree, is something to be deeply ashamed of. This model of legal drug sale would solve many of the criminal issues associated with drug trade. However legalization is also the completion of a process whereby weed culture is assimilated fully into the capitalist superstructure which, as your average Legalizeit! hashtag user will tell you, is the real crime….man.


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