Outgoing sports editor Hugh Dickinson lives up to his name as he looks at Trump and Kim Jong-un’s willies.

It’s been almost a year since we rallied behind the slogan of ‘dicks out for Harambe’, but once again gorillas and willy-waving have hit international headlines.

The gorilla in question, currently to be found hurling his faeces at the walls of the Oval Office, recently swapped his policy of a Russian bromance and antagonism towards China for the inverse. It was a move that was remarkably similar to Oceania’s change of enemy from Eurasia to Eastasia in George Orwell’s 1984. And how better to consecrate the new found friendliness with Beijing than by sending an aircraft carrier into the waters of China’s ally and neighbour?

Whilst Trump’s new bezzie has remained rather quiet on the issue, East Asia’s answer to Donald Trump hasn’t been. North Korea went through with waving their willy about, and even though the willy in question turned out to be rather flaccid, said they were willing to use it anyway if provoked by the US.

And the disappointing performance of the willy in question is precisely why this is such an important matter right now. The US want to make sure that North Korea never have a willy that can poke them from afar. As long as the US have the biggest dicks, North Korea can never really cause too much trouble.

It’s not about good versus evil; it’s about the silverback showing those North Koreans who’s boss, and staging a performance for his endearing public.

If you are a subscriber to the theory of mutually assured destruction (and the neorealist school of international relations – shout out to the BA Politics students), that says two people getting their willies out at the same time means everyone suddenly goes off the idea, you must believe that North Korea getting theirs up and running must be a good thing.

US Vice-President Mike Pence said: “We want to see North Korea abandon its reckless path of the development of [willies], and also its continual use and testing of ballistic [willies] is unacceptable.” Couldn’t those words have been spoken about the USA by North Korean number two Hwang Pyong-so?

This particular flurry of willy-waving is not about protecting the world, or even the USA. North Korea would never attack the US and its vastly superior arsenal – even the ‘Great Successor’ would not be foolish enough to risk the mutually assured destruction.

Instead, as much of history has been, it’s about power.

Whilst there may be perfectly good humanitarian reasons for military intervention in North Korea, don’t be fooled into thinking that the US are reprising their role as a sort of Starsky and Hutch meets Laurel and Hardy world police. It’s not about good versus evil; it’s about the silverback showing those North Koreans who’s boss, and staging a performance for his endearing public.

I don’t want Kim Jong-un to be waving his willy about, neither do I want Donald Trump to; the world would be a better place without them. But if they are going to be engaging in this boyish rivalry, I’d rather they do it in a corner than on the global dancefloor.

And yes, I’ve written this entire article without using the words “nuclear weapons”, but so long as they are only an extension of the manhood of the world’s most insecure leaders, we can breathe a sigh of relief.

Comment pieces are the view of the author and in no way reflect the views of Forge Press.

Image credit: Annika Laas

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