It seems fair to say that this election is not like most UK elections. For a start, it seems as if young people have been out in droves to register to vote, which will inevitably have a profound impact on the result. After all, pundits said the same about the EU Referendum and look how much of an impact that had.

Irony aside, slagging off the various competing parties seemed to be the best way to remain as impartial as possible, although anyone expecting me to include the Yorkshire Independence Party clearly thinks I can be more arsed than I actually am to write this.

The Conservative Party
It seems that six years in the Home Office has turned poor Theresa into some sort of robot. Simply disagreeing with every journalist that criticises you doesn’t give the impression of strong and stable, unless we’re talking about her neck muscles from how much she’s been shaking her head these past few weeks. Astonishingly, mainstream news outlets seemed to forget basic geometry and confused a 180-degree turn with ‘steaming on ahead regardless’. Setting a cap on the amount pensioners will be forced to pay towards their own care and then not announcing what the cap will be is like setting a cap on the number of dogs allowed to hunt a fox and then not saying how many it is. Also, whilst we’re here, Amber-fucking-Rudd. Since when did it become acceptable for the PM to just go “fuck it, who shall we send out this time” to a national debate? At least throw a curve-ball if you’re not going to turn up – send Paxman next time, at least it’ll give the papers something interesting to write about. Should be a nice change of pace from the Buzzfeed model of ‘Guess Which Leader Did a Thing that We’re Arbitrarily Deciding Makes Them a Shit Leader’.

Mental arithmetic and a dose of common sense are useful skills to have when running the country.

The Labour Party
It seems that Corbyn has finally decided to listen to Labour’s in-house fashion guru and started wearing actual suits with matching ties, so maybe we can say he has sensible policies with a straight face because he actually looks like a politician now. Granted it’s only the standard navy suit and red tie, but baby steps. Maybe one day he’ll rock up to the Commons wearing full white-tie like that appearance on The Last Leg just to fuck with the front bench. Still, Labour has at least remembered it has to have its own ideas this time, hence the sizeable shift back to a socialist platform – although that doesn’t seem to have deterred the Conservatives from just nicking all of Ed Miliband’s old ideas. Rather peculiarly people have decided to get very upset with the media coverage of Diane Abbott, forgetting of course that mental arithmetic and a dose of common sense are useful skills to have when running the country. Also, £5 says David Cameron will emerge from wherever he’s scuttled away to tell Corbyn to shave in case his mother comes over for tea on Election Day.

Liberal Democrats
Tim Farron – because the reasonable response to losing 85% of your seats in Parliament is to go ‘fuck it, let’s replace Nick Clegg with someone who looks like they’re straight out of a Harry and Paul sketch’. It will be interesting to see if Tim’s unusual election tactic of not giving a straight answer first time will be enough to get the party back to those illustrious double-digits. I would have included more insults but I had to cut 85% due to Electoral Commission Fairness guidelines.

Not every member of the Green Party is called Natalie.

UK Independence Party
Refusing to accept that losing your only MP constitutes a ‘sinking ship’, UKIP’s own Adrian Edmundson look-a-like set out to portray the party as the safest option to ensuring Brexit went ahead. Turns out not every member of the Green Party is called Natalie though, so better luck next time Paul; at least there’s no rats on that ship of yours. Considering Nigel Farage was the most interesting thing about the party, Paul Nuttall will have to employ every ounce of his experience as… actually, what did he do before being party leader? Don’t know, don’t particularly care – incidentally this may also be UKIP’s approach to writing an actual manifesto. Objecting to burkas because they can cause vitamin D deficiencies is quite possibly the laziest excuse I’ve seen for a long while, and yes I’m including Farage’s attempt to distance himself from the ‘£350m a week’ pledge after the referendum.

Green Party
Two heads are usually better than one although as far as the media is concerned any more than one head is over egging the pudding somewhat. To be fair to the Greens they have a pretty ballsy manifesto for a party with fewer MP’s than the Lib Dems, and all they achieved in government was to successfully piss off every student under the sun. One suspects that the Greens will go the same way as UKIP sooner or later – they’ll get all their good ideas nicked by the bigger parties and then the voters will slowly walk away like that meme of Homer disappearing into a hedge. At least Nick Clegg could admit when he was playing second fiddle (looking at you Jonathan Bartley).

Alex Salmond – a man who looks like he’s 40% pâté.

Scottish National Party
The standard Scot-based putdown inevitably involves blue war paint and a fetish for civil liberty, but I’d like to think I’m more creative than that. Nicola Sturgeon certainly seems to be more creative than most politicians – she’s the opportunistic wolf dressed in the skin of a Scottish Labour MP if ever there was one, just waiting for the Union to fall flat on its arse. Now that Alex Salmond has gone, though – this is a man who looks like he’s 40% pâté – there’s not really much else to say about the SNP. There is of course the unholy obsession with another independence referendum, but given that Theresa May went less than a year before having her own snap election, and right after telling the EU that she’d like her toys back thank you very much, something tells me Nicola is going to have to wait a few more years. The SNP could heat things up by announcing a coalition with the Yorkshire Independence Party (great minds think alike, so they say), but then they’d probably have the less interesting of the two independence campaigns.

Sinn Fein
Yeah I’ve got nothing on this one. 4 MP’s that don’t turn up to Parliament doesn’t really provide a lot of comedic material to be quite honest with you. The least they could do is turn up, get pissed, and start heckling the Prime Minister during PMQ’s – maybe not quite as dignified a rejection of the Union, but it would get the same message across.

Comment pieces are the view of the author and in no way reflect the views of Forge Press.

Image credit: (Left to right) See Li, Sinn Fein, UK Home Office, Liberal Democrats, Euro Realist Newsletter, US Department of Education, Tanoshimi.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here