Dear Forge,

 

Glad to see my letter got put on your website the other week. I always get nervous sending things to papers because half the time I don’t know who to trust. I’m glad you still promote honest and professional journalism. I’m also pleased that you allow people to communicate with you. Hard-working folk like me aren’t often given voices, so it’s nice to be heard.

I saw in the news recently that our beloved university had over 1,000 new cases a few weeks back, and that number is shared amongst other large unis around England, such as Manchester, Nottingham, and Newcastle. This proves all the expanding and bravery I’ve shown is paying off, by being a rampant opportunist, rather than shirking my responsibilities like a politician and not actually doing my job to serve the people.
I have never been so happy to hear of the lack of student communication, as clear communication kills a business like mine. Take South Korea. 50-odd million people, and I’ve had near-to bugger-all work there. They all know exactly what to do, and exactly how to do it. When I think back to England, I thought, well, we’re English, we’ll be sound. If we can fight wars across the world, we can do anything. In my last letter I wrote about how worried I was going out of business – but now the students are back, I’ve even opened a new student line of work! Thank Christ they’re still forcing them to go back to their halls and are rinsing them of their tuition fees; if they’d have stayed home – and this goes for the country as well, now I think back – I’d have gone bust, creating an even bigger problem for this government. The students arriving, empty of around £9,250 or so, will be given two free face masks. Completely fair, I’d say; they’re lucky to get two, I’d have made them pay for the privilege! These youth expect everything to be given to them. If only they’d know how hard I’d worked to put  bread on the table this year, they could take inspiration. No wonder they don’t want to come in and get potentially infected by a life-changing disease – they’re probably just too lazy!

Speaking of which, I must write of my disdain for the new Tier system introduced by the government. Of course we know this government has the greatest respect for ingenuity (lest we forget the sacrifices Dominic Cummings made for his eyes), but don’t tell me that locking the freedom-loving areas of England into borders is the correct way to go. It is not for myself that I am worried; I’m a grafter, I’ll work wherever the job is. It’s for my kids that I worry.

Where will their jobs come from if the government is trying to stop me working? Why does the government need to border everyone in without help, if it wants people like me to work? It makes no sense. I’ve done all I can to help myself, and now they’re taking it all away from me. Madness.

There is some good news to hear that Leadmill has been granted emergency Arts funding from the blue socialist Rishi Sunak. There is only cause for congrats again – it’s a wonder he’s a Tory given the fact he’s single-handedly saving the English economy. I can’t wait to see all the clubs bouncing and thriving again. Money into the economy (read: the back pockets of rich people), freedom for our young people, and, given the shops are opening up again slowly, more potential work for yours truly.

Nevertheless, it is not only the Tories that have been helping me out. Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham has asked the Tories for financial help before going into Tier 3 lockdown. All power to him – all war is class war, after all; for as much as he fights against them for wages for his people (me included, remember), and as long as the Tories fight back like children, I am free to work and roam where I like!

I look forward to your responses, as I’m sure one or two students reading this will adversely react to my words. I only can respond with the very nature of why we are in the mess in the first place: not being tough enough, and not believing in Britain!

 

Yours,

Mr C. Ovid.

 

Featured image: Students stuck in self-isolation ease their troubles with window art made from post-it notes (Credit: Forge Press)

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