Bentley catches drift, casts off shackles, and goes electric
You may have heard – or maybe you haven’t, because electric cars are really quiet. Bentley has thought the unthinkable, and announced the thought that they thought is actually going to be made real life, in five years’ time. After a century of making cars, Bentley’s journey has, at last, begun.
The luxury car manufacturer and national treasure is foregoing internal combustion entirely. No more cylinders, no more petrol. Just a faint whirr and a whoosh as the aristocracy is moved around the country. I know what you’re thinking. A British stalwart changing tack? Shock! Tradition is being flouted!
What next? Frankie Boyle stops swearing (what the f***?), Judi Dench announces her new role on Hollyoaks (almost unthinkable, but you just thought it, and it wasn’t pretty) and Attenborough pours tea down the drain, favouring a frappuccino (just weird).
This is the kind of madness honest British gentlefolk shouldn’t have to be dealing with, especially before breakfast.
15 million Danish mink ordered to be culled amid fears of coronavirus mutation
The minks are sick.
New research from the State Serum Institute suggested that a version of the virus circulating between mink and humans might have mutated sufficiently to render future vaccines ineffective. As a result, the mink must go.
Who will kill them? Danes, I imagine. Great ones – by which I mean the large hound, or Apollo of Dogs – in huge numbers. Granted, they’d be huge in small numbers, too. Great huge Danes.
To recap: Danish officials have announced that Danish mink farmers are going to have to kill all their mink – that’s somewhere between 15 and 17 million mink, and a significant proportion of Denmark’s GDP flushed down the drain (or thrown into large mink ditches). Spare a thought for them over the next few months.
But perhaps even more curious is the seemingly benign phrase, “circulating between mink and humans”. Now, let it be known I’m as open-minded as the next animal lover. Whatever floats your goat. And minks are soft, that’s literally the point of them. But none of that puts the brakes on my gross and curiously sprinting imagination. What were you minking, I mean thinking, farmer Jensen?
Chameleon wins at hide and seek, breaks record
Donning their brightest torches and most luminescent headgear, a group of researchers in Madagascar have rumbled the world’s longest game of hide and seek.
After more than a century going unseen by human eyes, the rare Voeltzkow’s chameleon has been discovered in an overgrown hotel garden.
The hidee declined to comment, but he does like to move it move it.
An actual politician prepared to re-enter the White House
Over the course of their campaign, Team Biden has won the hearts and minds of the West’s liberal media.
The Guardian declared a ‘new start’ with a ‘free 16-page Joe Biden souvenir supplement inside’ its Weekend edition, so all those who love a warmonger can snuggle up nice and close, and remember 2020 for all the change it wrought. Do you love a warmonger? Gosh, I love a warmonger.
The Indie declared something similar when Blair came into power, leaving the Conservative Party, the hopes of leftists, and the lives of millions of Afghans and Iraqis in his wake.
So, a Biden souvenir then. Next, perhaps, we can expect a line of Bush Beanie Babies, alongside a run of Kissinger Ken dolls and a Mickey Mouse in the shape of Milton Friedman.
Walkers confirmed: it’s a claw.
Is it a claw? Is it a foot? Is it the whole monster? Well, now the eternal debate has been emphatically silenced. Walkers themselves have backed the claw clan, and now anyone who thought that Monster Munch crisps came in the shape of an actual alienoid monster has resigned to the superior authority on the matter.
So worry not, confused people of the crisp packet, who never really got how anyone could see anything other than a claw. All is not lies. At least, when it comes to things you thought about oversized and abrasive pickled onion-flavoured corn snacks.