Adam may need to rethink his weight loss strategy
Christmas: all about spending time with your family, giving and receiving presents and of course, food, lots of food. Not just any food either, we are talking high-fat, high-sugar, and high-calorie food. From the enormous turkey being heavily stuffed, to the potatoes roasted in fat – even fruit is usually covered in chocolate.
As Ferdinand, the duck from the film Babe, puts it: “Christmas? Christmas means dinner, dinner means death! Death means carnage; Christmas means carnage!” Carnage in this instance referring to the one present unopened until January: the January diet.
We all know of the festive phenomenon. The gold chocolate coins turn into pounds, the turkey legs turn into bingo wings, the Quality Street turn into cracked pavements. Too far?
Anyway, not even a few hours of the Wii after Christmas lunch can solve this problem. For Christmas weight gain, we turn to the fad diet.
The word ‘fad’ can be described as a short-lived craze, almost like the desire to diet post-December, which is probably why the two go together so well.
The power these diets have is unexplainable. They turn scientific confusion into sound logic and dodgy statistics into good odds in the minds of the overweight and nobody is left untouched.
For those looking for a fast and easy diet, the January diet list includes ones to suit all. Even Tesco offer a diet plan now; from finest to value, there’s a diet made for your effort level. Each fad diet offers the obligatory pseudo-science and pledges from satisfied ex-gorgers.
For example: “try the new diet based on the best nutritional enzymatic turbo-gastro-enhancement therapy. It helped me lose three stone in under an hour,” says Linda, 37, from Stoke.
The words used are usually complex and void of any and all meaning. As a rule, the diets usually are too. They also tend to ignore the fundamental rule of losing weight: exercise and smaller portions.
But that’s way too hard. Instead just have a super-protein, super-filling, one of your five a day, milkshake for lunch.
However, the most interesting health tip to come in 2012 so far is from the highly reputable diet journal: the Daily Mail. The study they printed showed that chocolate cake can in fact help you lose weight. Of course this comes with the usual disclaimers rendering the assertion, and title, useless. But still, that is a fad diet that we can all get behind.
But now, as we have reached the end of January, how have we done? Apparently 42 per cent of us who started a diet with the ringing in of the New Year will have quit two to four weeks after.
A staggering 80 per cent of us struggle to kick the habit of over-indulgence at Christmas and cannot stick to our diets! How sad that the hope-filled you of only four weeks ago has vanished and with it the dreams of that elusive bikini body.
But have no fear, February is offering us hope. Firstly in the much smaller and less curved shape of Dawn French. Dawn popped up on the BBC last week saying that she is happy being fat! Imagine then, the tears that must have flowed as each pound of the seven and a half stone dripped off her. Poor girl.
But if we ignore the weight loss completely this is a great victory for the anti-diet lobby. Why lose weight when you can be happy? Turns out seven and a half stone isn’t something completely ignored. So Dawn, you were happy being fat but then lost over 105 pounds? I’m confused, and Dawn wasn’t available to comment.
Now, if that didn’t cheer you or your festive spare tyre up, then enter London Fashion Week. The festival of ultra thin waistlines and negative dress sizes. Ones stomach almost growls for them.
As they make their way down the catwalk with their wanly expression, it must inspire such a motivation that could make February the diet month of the year. Alas, this is most likely not the case. At least after that we have a few months before the dreaded summer diet season starts, but we won’t go there today.
All the conflicting information, all the statistics – “I despair,” you might claim. Well, never fear. It seems there are two fool-proof ways of boosting that self esteem in the cold winter month of January.
Firstly, buy bigger clothes. Imagine that feeling when you pull your trousers away from your skin to reveal a giant gap, oh how your friends will clap and clap. Not as much effort and oh-so satisfying. (Long-term satisfaction not guaranteed).
The second, I’m afraid, requires more effort. But its efficacy in helping you shed the pounds is unfortunately highly formidable. It relies on the simple observation that, you cannot lose weight you haven’t gained i.e. don’t eat so much food over Christmas and you won’t get as fat.