A rowdy Hallam student stumbles into a kebab shop after a night pulling shapes and swigging shots with his friends.
He walks into another guy who is preoccupied trying to apply ketchup and they both drop their cheesy chips. A fight erupts.
The two are dragged apart by alarmed staff and nobody is surprised that a Hallam student is responsible. That is, until a UCard falls out of the pocket of the other guy.
As much as some people might protest, Uni of Sheffield students are no better behaved and no more studious than the people who study at Hallam on the other side of town.
There’s often that underlying snobbery that if you’re not studying a subject you can’t pronounce without a PhD in something unpronounceable, then you’re an idiot who would be better off sitting at home filling out an application form for Somerfield.
There’s a similar attitude when it comes to attending a uni further down the league tables.
A student from a former-Polytechnic, like Hallam University, must feel constantly condescended by people who think they’re only there because they flunked their exams.
As soon as you arrive in Sheffield, you’re plunged into an archaic and ridiculous rivalry with the ‘other university’.
We are forced into fierce competition which is exploited by clubs and fuelled by competitions like Varsity.
If you’re from Hallam, you’re already the loser.
Our uni’s prestige and investment in glossy buildings and libraries (with not enough computers) puts us higher in league tables and makes us more respected among employers.
The Uni of Sheffield’s stamp is recognised as a stamp of a very good degree.
And now he’s our Honourary President, our degrees even have the approval of ex-student and comedian Eddie Izzard.
But the two universities are deliberately different. Former Polytechnics are meant to offer more vocational courses for students who are less academically-minded, or who want to follow a career that’s more Sports Coaching than English Literature.
Hallam offers a range of subjects that the research-orientated Uni wouldn’t touch.
It gives all of those people at college who missed out on the grades for a place at their dream uni a shot at the career they’ve always wanted.
It offers courses from the NHS with free funding and gives the poorer – but not necessarily less-able – students a way into medicine.
It it is just as possible to get a good grade in a subject which will help you get that dream job at Hallam as it is at Uni.
The only thing standing between a Hallam degree and a good future is a few less decades of experience and load of old-fashioned snobbery and bigotry.
Anyone who thinks being a Hallam student stands in the way of success should consider that Wallace & Gromit creator, Nick Park, and Olympic hero Dame Kelly Holmes have both been there, done that and reaped the rewards of a polytechnic education.
Andre Nunn
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