It’s gonna be a hard few hours. These thoughts echoed in the mind of the lowly wannabe reporter enduring the hardships of Sonic Unleashed. Games reviewing was not as stylish as the masses believed.
He slowly took a sip from the sambuca bottle lying by his side. The sickly sweet sensation hit him again … anything to get his mind off the searing virtual pain that had befallen him.
Gentle melodic guitars coupled with vomit inducing graphics. How it ate him up inside. Gone are the days of creativity, he thought. The blue blur that faced him was nothing more than an interactive cutscene.
The hero he once idolised was enfeebled by restrictive gameplay reduced to a mere bashing of the X button, each hit adding to the hatred inside.
It was not long before he gave up for other pursuits, maybe a walk. Standing up the cold metal handle of the living room door loomed further and further with each step. The game had to be finished. The guilt of fabricating comments based on 20 minutes of play time would be overpowering.
And so he sauntered back to the couch. It may have not been the most comfortable thing to sit on but it damn sure did the job.
Round 2. The fight against poor design began again. This time it wasn’t so bad. Then exposure to the volatile verbiage spouting from the mouths of the ‘lovable’ sidekick Chip seems to have an effect. A terrible effect.
‘SSSSSOOOOOONNNNIIICCCC!!!!!,’ Chip screams for the seventieth time. ‘What were they thinking, this is an insult to kids,’ screamed the enraged reviewer. ‘Screw saving the world from Dr Eggman, these people deserve to die.’
Pad down. Calm yourself, he thought. But who is this game meant for. Diehard fans must despise the limited controls, and children must find the finicky nature of quick time events annoying. Levels are just one big memory test. This confusing notion sat in his mind for a while.
Night had turned in game. The hedgehog became a werehog. Interesting concept but what is it meant to resemble, he pondered. It looks nothing like a werewolf, more like a feral furby.
And why did he change. The game likes to think it’s from Dark Gaia but maybe someone poured water on Sonic and fed him after midnight.
The next few hours felt like decades. What should have been very little gameplay was drawn out by a pointless collect the special medals add on. ‘I have lost all faith in Sonic Teams creativity,’ exclaimed the reviewer.
Virtual country after country seemed to blur. Were these loads of outdated racial stereotypes, the reviewer thought, after buying fried chicken from a black shop owner in ‘Empire City.’
The last level drew near and all our critic’s mind is focused on what would come first the end of the game or the end of his life. The knife block was just a few feet away compared to the miles that lay ahead of him in Eggmanland.
‘I can understand making the last level epic in comparison to the others is good but 30 minutes for a run through is taking the piss. A chihuahua in a tutu would have been a better replacement to end this game on,’ he said.
Finally the end boss decides to show his face. Lasers, fire balls and giant robots make an appearance. Thank god the reviewer thought. Then the smile faded. The only potential fun was taken away by forcing him to take part in a quick time event of life and death.
The pad is thrown against the wall. Cutesy characters, clichéd scripts, dodgy cameras, poor controls, confused level design, forced quick time events, badly copied gameplay. ‘I’ve had enough.’
The journalist storms out the room going straight to the toilet. He sits there for a few minutes releasing last night’s stew. Getting ready to wipe himself he looks at his handiwork. That’s a lot of shit, he thinks, but not as much as Sonic Unleashed. The toilet flushes.