So. Ukraine, France, Sweden.
Teams that will be pored over from every angle by the coaching staff for our esteemed national football team. Nations to be character-assassinated by The Sun in the build up to June 2012, when we will finally discover, all 50 million of us, how much we can be disappointed in a bi-annual cycle. But fear not, for after last Friday’s draw for the upcoming European Football Championships, I, master journalist and sooth-sayer, have taken it upon myself to predict exactly what will happen next summer, and so save you hours of fun relaxing and watching sport on the TV.
To start with, England’s group. The initial reaction to the draw was one of satisfaction – on the surface, we stand a real chance of winning it – then relief – the avoidance of Group B, the group of death®, the group of destruction, torture, pastry-making Scandanavian nations being pulverized by Germany etc. – before finally weariness, as we all remembered the horrifically arrogant reaction to the World Cup 2010 group (Yeah, those Algerians’ll be a pushover…). So which reaction is correct? Well, all three, as it happens.
I think we will win our group. Now I’ll put down the Red Bull and reappraise that. We have a definite chance of winning Group D if we play to our best. True, we are up against three teams of the distinct bogey variety – the qualifiers against Ukraine were England’s worst performances before the World Cup, the friendly against France was the worst performance after the World Cup, and though we played fairly OK against Sweden last month, the fact remains we only won thanks to the 2,000th England international strike coming from an own goal by a man –Daniel Majstorovic – with the least English name on earth. Apart from Zoltan Gera.
But look again, my dear friends. Ukraine are ranked 65 in the FIFA rankings, which makes them the second-lowest ranked, and therefore second-worst, team at the tournament. According to the FIFA rankings. Which must make it true. Ukraine also have no top class players on the levels of Terry, Gerrard or Wilshere – their best are either too old, too crocked, or Andriy Shevchenko. France are notoriously temperamental, even if the utterly insane influence of Raymond Domenech is now absent; and even if we hardly set Wembley on fire against Sweden, the visitors were even damper.
So, with good fortune, and good team performances, with or without Wazza R (as I call him, because I’m street), England can take top spot, and so play one of (assuming Spain walk it in Group C) an aging Italy, a regressing Croatia, or an enthusiastic yet distinctly non-world class Ireland in the quarters. With Rooney ready to rampage like a rabid potato, and the younger players now hopefully bedded in and confident, the semi-finals stand there like the shimmering gates of Soccer heaven.
They will be deadlocked for England though. Germany are favourites for me, and are better than our island nation in virtually every respect on the pitch, Spain won’t take that friendly defeat lying down – and let’s face it, if that game actually meant something in result terms, Spain would have won 3-1 or so – and Holland look pretty darn decent too. But come on lads and ladettes, take off the grey-tinted spectacles, and realise that, as long as England don’t freeze in the cold light of Kiev, they can give this one a really good go.
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Difficult part of the draw. Games against Sweden, France and Ukraine are quite hard, but then Italy or Spain awaits us. It is going to be such a great campaign next summer.