Dear Forge,

I’m a long time reader, first time writer, and I wanted to say a few things.

First of all, I hope all at Forge are doing well and that you’ve had a good summer. How did the teachers go on with their strikes? Did they pay them in the end? I’d like to think so. How else will students get a world-class education? Online?! Pull the other one.

Anyroad, I thought I’d write in before work gets busy again. I’ve had a quiet summer myself. Keeping up appearances, and all that. Around June/July time I thought I’d be without a job – I wondered what I’d do to pay the bills, despite expanding my business like you’ve never known, trying to get any jobs in. I thought I were finished.

And then from out of nowhere this bloke called Rishi Sunak appeared like a knight in a shiny blue suit. He were the one who put me back in business, and I shall forever be grateful. I mean, who’d have thought, after all the graft I’d put in at the start of this year, I’d have been nearly unemployed? God bless him for announcing his ‘Eat Out to Help Out’ scheme for England. I can finally confirm I am back in employment, and there’s never been so much work. If it weren’t for that majority we voted for in December, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

I’d like to offer my personal thanks to Dominic Cummings. If it weren’t for him telling the Prime Minister what to do, I’d have had to retire. I got worried when they introduced a ‘lockdown’ – murder for a business like mine, you know – so I started fearing the worst. But once Cummings had a jolly up to Durham, I knew I was safe for another few months. I’m so glad they don’t listen to the scientists, and that Johnson et al argue with them as much as possible – for as long as they do that, I’m booking Corfu for Christmas!

Tomorrow, I was gonna have the day off, but there are bars in Manchester that need me on the 3-10pm shift. Then I’m up to the Trafford Centre to do a sweepstakes in the food court – heard Nando’s are doing two for ones. I applied for overtime but they only have a maximum of six at a table. Trouble with having to dart about across the country is that it’s murder on me back. I’ve just infected that Trump bloke. He never gave me a minute’s bloody rest about it, ranting and kicking off all night, he was. Oh, he won’t show it in the news. Goes on like he’s a tough guy but I had him working for the first time in his life. And, at time of writing, he’s just done a rally in Florida, so I’ve got my secretary booking flights for next week.

Speaking of secretaries, another personal thanks goes to Health Secretary Matt Hancock for doing the absolute minimum for public health. I know bosses are often bad, but he’s been brilliant for me – don’t listen to what they’re telling you on Twitter or what-have-you, Hancock has kept my bread coming in for another year or so at this rate. Every interview he does gets repeated at my house, and I tell my kids to tell their friends about it. He speaks sense. I’ll make sure to congratulate him if I get a chance.

My biggest thanks of all, though, goes to the Prime Minister. His bleating about ‘herd immunity’ was music to my ears – if he’d done what the New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern did and looked after people, who would I have to help me then? Don’t they know jobs like mine rely on insidious nature and government stupidity? I even thanked him personally – when he shook hands with patients at hospitals, it was a great pleasure. He wasn’t as bad as Trump, mind, but his petulance was something to be behold – you wouldn’t think he’d just saved hundreds of thousands of jobs like mine!

I hope to end this correspondence with my blessings to the students arriving, whom I’ve heard are arranging parties and so forth as we speak, to celebrate the start of what has been a difficult year for them. I’d suggest inviting as many people as possible, and keep me in a job so that I can make hay while the sun shines.

 

Yours,

Mr C. Ovid.

 

Image credit: Fredrik Rubensson

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